just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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