worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
