im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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