i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize