I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
