garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
