TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
