Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
