...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
