I puked a lego.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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