All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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