I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
