my phone needs a breathalizer
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
