i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
