you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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