I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
this hospital has no fireball
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
