Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
