I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i drank out of a bidet.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
