Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
