My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
