i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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