It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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