you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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