Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
