I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
