if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Never joke about your clitoris.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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