i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
bring money and cleavage
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
