Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
