It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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