You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
