I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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