Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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