Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
