Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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