I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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