so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it's like iHOP with fire
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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