And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
No subtext here. People are naked.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
