I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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