please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize