Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It's never too late to be topless.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
