the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
