I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
