her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
