i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
