i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
