i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
literally had 100 drinks last night.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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