i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
