my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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