I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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