i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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