why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
