You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
