he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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