I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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