I'm going to rape someone's good day.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
