shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
