I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
