I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
