She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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