I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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