Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
